Doubt!

All of us, whether we declare ourselves as people of faith,where we have signed up for Christian version,or Jewish,Islam,Buddhism,Hinduism,Paganism or just plain old Spiritualism;a doubt would have experienced doubt or if you have not yet,you will! I hear the those who go into denial now: No Way,Not Me! or other such reactions.Sadly,though, it is like alot of other human emotions:Depression,Anxiety,Sadness,Grief;very few want to admit it! Some cultures,some countries are more open to their feelings,not seeing it as a weakness,but acknowledging what is there.As Roman Catholic would say: "Confession is good for the Soul".
Within my own life,I have,like others, felt I have traveled to Hell & back;this has resulted in the past 6 months or so, a journey of faith or a better way of saying it,a period of doubt.The doubt began when I reflected upon my life as I saw it,I did not see what I liked.It had been awhile since I had been employed,and although see unemployment as an opportunity,I did not! This was a place I had been before, so it was sadness that I was here again! Other aspects began to suffer as resolve,not least the financial implications.It was at this point, that I asked this question: why does God let this happen? The first response was,that God was not there to make my life happen the way I wished it,but then,if I am constantly struggling,there should be a way of keep falling into the pit? I thought about my son who has just turned 6;if he was to struggle all the time,it would be painful to watch & my conscience would get involved and I know I must help him,so why is not God doing this? This led me to the God of the Old Testament, who seemed to give me the answer,but it was not something I wanted to read,but at the same point,justified how I felt.I now saw a God,not of Love at all! So many people in the Old Testament had been struck down,suffered & even killed by God!!! Now I was going to reject any tyrant like this.I then began asking a question,why do the Jews only accept the first 5 books of the Old Testament,what about the rest,after all,it seems to be about there people? I then immediately rejected them myself, but I went further,I questioned what they accepted.I questioned the Creation of the world & saw no connection to what science knows.This then led me to the New Testament,surely Jesus is a good guy? Sure is, but did he do, what other claim? The Gospels do not agree, so what should I believe? The Church as an Institution keeping saying things that are not mentioned by Jesus,so why should I believe them? Now I did not! The Historical Jesus began to unfold in my mind,but it was not bad now,but good.I could connect better,but it humanised him.I now had a new understanding, but was this doubt.The God of the Old was not connected to Jesus in the New anymore.It was during this time,that I came across some theologians who looked at many thing from a sociological perspective,and I now did too."Hell was created by the Church to keep believing in line" said one,made alot of sense."The clouds of Heaven does not exist,except in our imagination" said another,that's me too.
This was passing into months, and during this time I wanted answers to my life,I looked everywhere, even to the Humanists,the Pagans,Celtic Christianity,Secular thinking,but yet each one did not really fit.It was at this time,I reflected back to something I once heard in a bible on James;that it is about faith,not proof! This was it,what did I believe? I was not sure at this point.It was close to telling your Doctor you are depressed, but can not say why or how,just that you knew it! Over the weeks,it changed,I was new form of Christian;relating to the Orthodox Christian in their traditions,yet not always faith based,the Pagans in the same way,but seeing that John Spong & Don Cupitt now have a point & I was accepting it.

I have not finished yet,I know more what I do not accept,than what I do,but this is part of a new journey I am on;one of being a "Christian in Exile",seeing the world differently,seeing my responsibility as my own,seeing Jesus as what he was telling us & not about Miracles & the Supernatural,seeing Scripture as a "Guide Book", not as a Manual! Practical Theology taking over the role that Ecclesiology once had and I feel I am better for it!